Apple Pies and Chocolate Chip
by peachringsandbananas
Summary: Alfred bakes when he's upset. I never really knew why, he just does. Not that he would admit it, but I know. I know everything about Al there is to know. I know that when the house smells like apple pie he's having relationship problems. When he makes scones he's feeling guilty. Cake when he feels forgotten. (TW: suicide)(Slight AmeCan but it can be ignored. May add more.)


Alfred bakes when he's upset. I never really knew why, he just does. Not that he would admit it, but I know.

I know everything about Al there is to know. I know that when the house smells like apple pie he's having relationship problems. When he makes scones he's feeling guilty. Pizza for when he's angry. Cake when he feels forgotten. Donuts when he's been denied.

I find it most sad that this happens enough that I've been able to find a pattern.

"Al?"

Cookies tonight. Something new to add to the list.

"Hey Mattie! You like chocolate chip don't you?"

Seeing him surrounded by a sea of ingredients and pans used to make me happy. I used to see him like that and think maybe he was making them all for me. Now I feel nauseous at even the thought I could be causing him this much sadness.

"Of course I do."

He won't talk to me. He won't talk to anyone for that matter. Last time I asked him about it, it didn't go over too well.

"_Alfred, you need to talk about this with someone…" _

"_I'm fine, Mattie!" He wouldn't stop grinning, even through all the tears. _

"_Stop doing this to yourself, Al-" _

"_I'm not supposed to be the sad one… Wasn't I supposed to be the one that fixes everything? The hero, right?" _

"_Alfred, it isn't anyone's __**job**__ to fix everything…" _

"_Yeah, it is. If I don't do it, who will? I have to be the strong one! And heroes aren't supposed to cry." _

He just wiped his eyes and left. I haven't brought it up since then.

"Are you sure? Because I can make some more! How about some pie! Apple, of course!"

Relationship problems then. Maybe the cookies were just because it was really bad this time.

"Or some cake? I made like five earlier, but I ate them already…"

He doesn't think I can see him crying through the sweat beading on his face.

"Al, talk to me…"

I don't know what I expected him to say.

"Nothing's wrong!"

He just grinned and gripped the counter like his life depended on it.

"You see, Mattie, you always assume something's wrong, but there isn't! It's all cool over here!"

He always seems to think I can't see the sadness as long as it isn't reflected in his words. But you can still hear it. You can hear it when he voice cracks and when he feet squeak against the floor when he paces or when he gulps too loudly or when he falls to his knees and all you can hear is a thud and a sob. I don't think he knows I'm there at all.

"I messed it all up, Mattie. I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone. I ruined it. I ruined it all…"

"Alfred…"

Looking back, I should have said something else. I should have said I was there and that I loved him and I should have told him it was okay to cry and we all did care about him. Looking back I should have stopped him.

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"Alfred was… He was amazing. If you asked him, he would have agreed."

A few short laughs piped up, smiles threatening at the edge of their lips.

"But did any of us know what he was thinking? Did anyone even stop to wonder what he really thought? I tried. I could have tried so much harder… But I did try. And what I saw, wasn't Al. It was dark and it was sad and it was broken beyond repair. If I say his name, you all think of him smiling, laughing.. Being Alfred. But the last time I saw him, I saw his smile splattered with deep red blood. And I won't ever be able to forget that. Every time I think of him I get that horrible image because I didn't stop it and because I was selfish and I don't even stop to think that maybe he needed more help than I could give. I ruined everything for him. I ruined it all."

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"_Al, will you teach me how to bake a cake?" _

"_Why would you want to know how to do that, Mattie?"_

_He ruffled my hair, flashed one of his smiles. I believed it. _

"_When you're sad and lonely you make a cake, so I wanted to make one for you!" _

"…_Matthew-" _

"_To show you I still care!" _

"_Mattie, listen here." He was so big, even crouching down beside me. "I'm fine. You don't need to bake me a cake." He smiled again. I learned what a fake smile looked like that night._

"_No, Alfred, you listen!" I was so small back then. Hands on my hips, acting like his mom. "I know you don't think your friends like you. But they do! They love you, Al! And so do I!" _

_He hugged me and left. He didn't bother smiling this time. _


End file.
